Two words I hear all the time: motivation And responsibility.
From customers, readers, and people who want to be healthier but can’t get there.
Although they seem simple, both are actually… complicated.
When someone says, “I just need more responsibility,” what that actually means can vary widely.
- Sometimes it’s about systems and structure.
- Sometimes it’s about clarifying their goals and how to achieve them.
- And sometimes it’s about how we personally meet expectations – of ourselves and others.
Why no one “system” fits everyone
If you have already read books like Atomic Habits by James Clear, The power of habit by Charles Duhigg, or To change by Chip and Dan Heath, you know there are many frameworks for understanding behavior.
After 15 years of coaching, here is what I have learned:
None of these systems are foolproof. None of them fully reflect the real complexity of people.
But that’s not the point. Everyone is one lens. A new perspective that helps us see our habits and struggles differently.
And when you’re stuck, sometimes that’s exactly what you need: a fresh perspective that gives you a new way to approach things.
Enter the four trends
Several years ago, our entire coaching team read The four trends by Gretchen Rubin, and it provided some really key information that we’ve incorporated into our coaching program and how we’ve been thinking about helping people ever since.
The basic concept is this: people respond differently to internal and external expectations. By understanding which expectations you thrive with and which are difficult, you can work with your natural tendencies instead of fighting against them.
The most common trend we see is The Obliger.
Those required are the glue of a team or a family. They meet outside expectations (deadlines, commitments, helping others), but resist interior those (self-care, personal goals, boundaries).
Sound familiar?
If you have already said:
“I know what I should do… but I can’t do it Me“,
…you may be part of this group.
One of our clients described it perfectly:
“Every bit of energy seems consumed in surviving my workday, meeting the needs of my family, meeting the needs of others…there is too little self-care and self-prioritization in my life right now.
I know I’m the one in charge. I am programmed to engage in things, to be involved, to want to be needed, valued and recognized. But it comes at a price. The demands of other people or things don’t leave me with much.
That’s the Obliger experience in a nutshell.
And let me be clear, this is not about weakness or lack of willpower.
In fact, Obligers do SO many things.
The problem is that they often sacrifice their own goals to help others, which can lead to long-term health problems.
How we help Obligers succeed
At Nerd Fitness Coaching, we help Obligers by providing three key supports: external responsibility, adjustments to the numbering mode, And track victories as they accumulate to reinforce and reward their progress.
Here’s how you can translate them into your own practice:
- A coach or workout buddy who you check in with and celebrate wins with you
- A checklist or tracking system that makes your progress visible
- Build a Dialing mode – that is, a plan for different types of days so you can adapt accordingly and avoid burnout
- Reframe goals as something that benefits others – for example, “I exercise so I have more energy for my kids.”
As you will notice, several of them concern outsource your responsibility.
Here’s another fun tactic: Write a letter from your future self to your current self thanking you for coming. This is exactly what made it click for my client Gina. When things got hectic, writing this letter made her feel responsible to her. future me (in a good way!). This simple change helped her stay consistent during a chaotic month.
The hidden danger: burnout and the “pause button”
Those obliged often take on too much.
They juggle a million competing expectations – deadlines, family, colleagues, community.
And when it all gets too heavy, they tend to hit the big red break button on SOME of them.
“I just can’t handle all of this right now. I’ll come back to it later.”
Completely understandable. And in fact, it’s an act of self-preservation. They CAN’T keep going 100 miles per hour.
We often see people in this scenario trying to eliminate all of these external expectations in hopes of finally having time to focus on themselves later.
This seems logical, but it usually backfires.
Because the Obligers actually prosper with some form of external accountability.
So the key is not to eliminate expectations. It is at vicar them.
Here are some counterintuitive questions I like to ask to do just that:
What are the benefits of NOT moving toward goal X at this time?
And what are the consequences of continuing to move in this direction?
By reversing the old “pros/cons” list, we can get a lot of clarity on what makes you feel good!
Overview to remember
Motivation and responsibility are not universal.
Understanding your “trend” gives you a new perspective – and using tools specific to your needs increases your chances of long-term success.
If you want to know where you land, you can take Gretchen’s free quiz here -> https://gretchenrubin.com/quiz/the-four-tendencies-quiz/
Let me know what trend you have! (I’m a questioner! 🙋♂️)
-Mast
PS Fun fact: ~60% of people we work with Nerd Fitness Coaching under the name Obligers. Everyone’s needs are different, which is why we design coaching around Younot generic motivation hacks. If this sounds like the kind of structure you’re missing, I’d love to talk to you. Just hit reply to this email. ❤️
